i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
