I want to walk on stilts...naked
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
My liver just had a heart attack.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You're a waste of cheezeits
I can't put those talents on a resume
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Randomize
