What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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