My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
