so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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