"it" just moved
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
