I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Randomize
