when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
