I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
