Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
