I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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