I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
