We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The beer is more important than you right now.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
