Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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