My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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