I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
