If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Randomize
