It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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