Those balls look pretty dangerous.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize