While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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