i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
