Church boner. Awkwardddd
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
