Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize