porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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