she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
