Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
there is glitter all over my balls
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