**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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