I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
