I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
