I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize