So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
