nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Randomize
