Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
