Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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