I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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