The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
