sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
The uberlube is also flammable
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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