Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
