Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Randomize