I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
