I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
