and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize