I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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