The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
