Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
