oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize