I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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