girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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