franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
