A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
