I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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