I think I won the penis lottery.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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