Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize