Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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