I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
