Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
