So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
