how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
