I should be sponsored by Trojan
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Vodka?
Forever.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
