So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
