Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
