New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Panties = found
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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