I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
