I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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